"My grace is enough for you; my great strength is revealed in weakness"

My Mission Trip Experience To Sabah
By Crisabel T. Tiu, Lifeline STM

When I heard that Potter and Clay program was having a mission trip to Sabah, I was really excited. I was excited because it was my hometown, the experience I could learn, the people we’ll be meeting and I had this feeling of satisfaction of finally being able to do something good for others and for the redemption of my soul!! Harrharr… Anyway beforehand, Anne Yong and I went out for short briefing on the mission trip, Stacie was able to join bit later, and while we were having lunch at a restaurant, we bumped into Sandy and she joined us in our discussion where Anne asked her to help translate some prayers etc. into malay and following that, she mentioned to Stacie and I that going for missions we have to be open to whom God sends and especially what God wants to give or do in ourselves. I understood what she said but took it lightly and subconsciously thought that there’s nothing much I need to receive, I was keen on my ability to give and help out.

During most of the days in mission trip though I really enjoyed it and had fun, sometimes I would seem ok or happy on the outside but deep inside I felt terribly depressed and heavy, it really brought my whole being down and I felt anger and rejection in my heart. I felt lonely because of the struggle I had to go through alone, feeling no one could understand what I was going through. I asked God again and again why I was feeling this way, for Him to take it away and was really disappointed and ashamed of the weaknesses in me that really surfaced to my knowledge during the trip. Before going for the mission trip, we gathered together for briefing and prayer, as we took turns to pray in a circle, I closed my eyes and saw a shadow-defined heart shape with light seeming to radiate from behind, along the prayers I felt warmth on my forehead and tears couldn't help but flow. I didn’t really understand why the reaction for it was only normal prayers we were having.

During the trip, memories also eventually resurfaced which brought a sense of regret of what could have been done but wasn’t, occasions I didn’t appreciate and hurtful memories. Along the trip I felt useless for not being able to give much and at some point of these feelings bundled up together which gave a lot of pain in my heart I tried to suppress which was really torturing emotionally and spiritually for me. After a while I realised that even before the trip I was already feeling burdened inside firstly because of certain hurts from situations in my family, relationships and other little things along my life that built up feelings of rejection, envy and hurt. In the Divine Office prayers we did with the villagers and with much reflection, it struck me that God was trying to tell me that there was much I was lacking, that inside I still needed a lot of work and healing. His words seemed so alive to me, coming to my sense what Living Word was all about, He didn’t have to talk to me in that booming voice I wanted to hear but He spoke so gently through the Divine Office, Divine Mercy prayers and ultimately through the mass we attended. I noted specially the Gospel on that day, 2 Corinthians12:7-10….Lest I become proud after so many extraordinary revelations, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a true messenger of Satan, 3 times I prayed to the Lord that it leave me, but He answered, “My grace is enough for you; my great strength is revealed in weakness.”…..So I rejoice when I suffer infirmities, humiliations…persecution: all for Christ! For when I am weak, then I am strong. Receiving The Eucharist truly gave me so much peace and joy knowing that He’s always there for me, that my tears couldn’t stop flowing. I felt so renewed.

I was also caught up in my pride subconsciously thinking that I was more worthy in doing God’s work when instead I needed to have humility to be able to admit these weaknesses and I needed to receive help, healing and His graces before I can be able to serve in love. It’s true that no one can give what he does not have. These were the things I was ignorant towards and that I had to fully surrender, He brought it to my attention all what I was oblivious towards. It reminded me that it has been a while I’ve been praying for God to change my heart, called to mind the heart I saw in the beginning, suddenly it made sense to me, in His great love and mercy, He heard my prayers and wanted to change my heart and His shining rays wanting to bring what is hidden to light and thus being able to surrender what’s unknown for cleansing. I’m truly amazed by how much He wants to give us but what we often are unaware of, how much He wants to speak to us but often we are so insensitive towards. There are many weaknesses and struggles faced and I pray that always I can always change to become a better person, if not more Christ-like even in sorrow and hardships, to be able to receive and give humbly.