"The ultimate purpose of dating is marriage"

My first encounter with or, uhmn, how I know about Christian courtship was about 3-4 years ago. I was infatuated with a friend who is a man of God (I can sense his head growing as large as a watermelon). I can’t remember how it went in detail, but I think I was asking him about his view on dating. He said the most shocking and horrifying thing! He said (I can still remember it word by word), “the ultimate purpose of dating is marriage.” I was still wild back then and haven’t experience conversion, so I cursed (silently of course). I thought, ‘wut da *beep*. Dating should be fun! Why be serious about it’. Later on I found out that dating IS serious, but can be fun as well.

Anyways, the guy was right. The ultimate and the only purpose of dating is marriage. So, no more ‘I like you, you like me, let’s go out and we’ll see where this relationship goes.’ NO! Harsh, I know. But, don’t you think dating is such a waste of time if we think that way? Don’t you think we will be spared from confusion, insecurities and not to mention heartaches, disappointments, and emptiness due to the lack of vision of the future and/ or failure of the relationship. Sure, most people we know got married after starting a relationship like this. But, have you ever counted how many times they have experience failed relationships before it?

Christian courtship, like the secular dating, starts with attraction. It may be a one or both sided attraction. Afterwards, discernment comes in. In a very simple explanation, Discernment is a process of internal search where we seek God’s will to determine the best decision. It involves a lot of prayer, meditation, reading God’s word, sharing about it with a trusted friend in faith and pray together, and most of all, being aware of the presence of the Holy Spirit and listen to His voice in with a surrendering heart. God, in His mysterious and intimate ways, will tell us His will.

Ah, you may say that I’m a nut case, but what is foolish to the world is pleasing to God (cf. 1 Corinthians 1 : 27). I tried it out last year. I was interested in a friend of mine because he showed true and sincere love for God and His Church. My kind of guy, I tell you. So I decided to discern about him. During discernment, I continue being friends with him. I tried to know him in a more personal level. There was no flirting whatsoever (so different to the bad ‘ol days). We shared about a lot of things, testify about God love, pray together, pray for each other should one of us need God’s strength. Days went by and feelings grew, however it didn’t grow towards the direction that I wanted. My love for him as a brother in Christ got stronger whereas my infatuation didn’t develop into love for a man. There was nothing wrong with him (or with myself). He was perfectly human and I accepted his flaws. But, in my heart, he was my brother and wouldn’t be more than that. Then I felt God had answered my prayer. I accepted this outcome even though I was a bit disappointed. Honestly, I wanted it to work so badly ‘cause I haven’t been in a relationship in a loooong long time. I was kindda desperate but I had no regrets. I thanked God for the feelings, the process and the outcome. I knew it was the best for the both of us. When the guy told me he fell for a girl (a lovely young woman, I must say), I was delighted although I felt a pang of jealousy (okay, I was VERY jealous). But, I continued being there for him as a sister in Christ. So, this is how I was assured that Christian courtship can work!

That’s about pre-courtship. How about during courtship? During courtship, it’s crucial to put Jesus Christ as the center of the relationship. Not the girl. Not the boy. Not me. Jesus alone. With Jesus at the centre, the problem of co-dependency is eliminated as each person is solely responsible for his/ her happiness and the source of his/ her happiness is Christ alone. Then, there’s sexual purity. A boundary is needed when it comes to physical expression of our feelings. We may say a kiss is just a kiss, but a kiss may weaken our will and strengthen the desire of our flesh. Another important thing is Communication. People get to know each other in a deep and personal level through communication. We’ll find out about each other’s strength & weakness, dreams & fear, vision& mission for the future, priorities, interests, etc, through communication. Some may be acceptable, some may not. Then, with constant prayers God will inform us, in His mysterious and unique way, whether the relationship should continue to the next step – Marriage. Even if a couple decides to not continue with the relationship, by God’s grace, they will not feel overly heartbroken about it. Beautiful isn’t it? I hope I’ll experience this in His time.